DOLL CLOSET: Day One Streaming Footage and Transcription

Doll Closet: Day One

Streaming Footage Part One

Streaming Footage Part Two

Jesse Call-in Transcription
(timecode from Streaming Footage Part Two)

30:54
AMBER: Oh my gosh, Jesse, I’m so glad to talk to you.
JESSE: Good.
AMBER: But here’s the thing, I just have to ask you—and I’m sorry if I’ve asked you a couple times—to turn the Livestream off again.
JESSE: (indecipherable)
AMBER: Because we can hear it.
JESSE: Oh, oh, I just muted it. I just muted it.
AMBER: (laughing) OK. I like that you just asked me how I knew.
JESSE: I had it off…(ind)
AMBER: Yea, we’re hearing some feedback.
JESSE: OK, I think I know what it is. There’s a window behind here. AMBER: Oh, yea AMBER: yea yea. Every place that you have the Livestream, if you don’t mind closing it, that would really help us out.
JESSE: Yea, I just realized that I…(ind)
AMBER: Oh my gosh, that’s what was going on. But also, there are things on our end so you know, we’ll just start from here.

32:28
AMBER: And we can hear each other, it’s beautiful.
JESSE: Sounds good.
AMBER: Good. Ok, great. So Jesse, happy birthday!
JESSE: (ind)
AMBER: Say that again?
JESSE: (ind)
AMBER: Hmm…you’re breaking up.
JESSE: After you laughed, I could see that you said something, but I couldn’t hear what it was.
AMBER: Oh, ok, yea. But I think we have a really good connection now. So lets just get to chatting and I also want to tell you for like the fifth time now that you can hear me: happy birthday.

33:22
JESSE: (breaking up) Birthday, it works for about ten seconds and then
AMBER: Hmm…well we have full bars on our end and I know you do too, so we may just have to keep our fingers crossed for tomorrow, but, let’s just keep chatting as long as it feels comfortable. Um, so I started saying earlier I broadcast your instructional video for the first hour. From 11 to noon, Eastern, and it was amazing.
JESSE: Yes.
AMBER: Did you watch it on Livestream?
JESSE: Yes, I said I watched it but I was supposed to get around for work also.
AMBER: Oh yea, yea, yea.

34:32
AMBER: Um, so I’ve watched it a couple of times now, and the main and the main thing I have a question about is how I get the two by fours into the doorway. Right, so you said to just drill in those dry wall screws, but is it as simple as that. Like, I just…how many would you put in, that kind of thing. How do you, how do you recommend I get that stuff done?
JESSE:  If Watermill is ok with it, then you could shoot some drywall screws through the doorframe that’s already there. I don’t know if it’s metal or made of wood, if you could go over or not—
AMBER: It’s um, it’s just, it’s just drywall.
JESSE: But what’s behind the drywall, what’s that attached to?
AMBER: Here, let me find out. You said I should just knock on it? (35:29) [walks over to door and knocks on it]
JESSE: Yea…it might be metal.
AMBER: I can’t really tell from knocking on it because I’m not an expert like you.
JESSE: It sounds like wood.
AMBER: Oh, it does? You such an expert, even from far away! So that’s good news right? I could just put the drywall screws right into the drywall and wood?

36:00
JESSE: Uh, lost what you are saying, can’t hear it.
AMBER: I said that’s good news right? That I can just put those two by four screws into the drywall and the wood on the frame?
JESSE: Right, uh, that’s what I would do.
AMBER: OK.
JESSE: Are you hooked into the Livestream with an audio cable on your phone?
AMBER: No, I’m not. I’m hooked into a speaker and then we’re recording the speaker into the Livestream, which isn’t ideal, but it’s what we can only pull off today since we had that technical problem right before we started streaming.
JESSE: Ok. Um, I don’t know if it’s a Wi-Fi problem or if it’s the chord you have hooked in your phone, unless it’s just a power chord.
AMBER: No, this is just a chord to a speaker, I think our issue together right now is Wi-Fi.
JESSE: Well, whenever you picked up the phone and pulled that wire, moved that wire, I missed some of the stuff you’re saying.
AMBER: OK.
JESSE: But, yea, if you would built that two by four frame, as high as you want it, say about six foot, or so, and then you know obviously the wood’s in the doorframe so it fits in there snug, and then shoot some drywall screws, one on each side of the bottom and one on each side of the top so all together four screws, that would hold that frame in there.
AMBER: And then how do I—I’d have to cut the third two by four to be the length of the doorway. And then do I drill it like on the top into the other two that I’ve already adhered to the sides?

37:53
JESSE: I don’t understand like what 3rd two by four. If you make a rectangular, just a rectangle, and then fit it into that doorway so you have a top and the bottom and both sides, there’s four—
AMBER: Oh, oh, ok. I didn’t realize, cause I’m putting one on the bottom too, yea?
JESSE: Yes.
AMBER: OK. Gotcha. And then you’re saying what I can do is build that—‘cause that’s not in the video, the two by four section. So I have a lot of questions about it. And you know me, I’m asking like the most basic questions but that’s my skill level with tools. So um, so I can build that rectangle on the ground and then adhere it into the doorframe…
JESSE: Yes.
AMBER: Yes, OK, cool.
JESSE: And then, after you get it a nice tight fit, and you got it screwed in and everything and it looks good, then unscrew it and lie it back on the floor so that you can after you build the door you can set the door into it.
AMBER: Oh, ok.
JESSE: Because drilling out the little round nests for the bearings that press on the pipe nickels, you’re going to have to drill out that on the top and the bottom two by four and it’s going to be easier to just lay it on the floor to do it—
AMBER: Oh.
JESSE: You have a (ind) in the doorway.
AMBER: So that, that I hadn’t understood that in the video. So the two by four frame that you built, you eventually adhered into your own doorframe?

39:26
JESSE: Um, in the original door, it was already existing in the construction of the house, so the only thing I had to do was put that that top two by four, that little piece that’s about four inches by four inches,
AMBER: Right
JESSE: I put that in the top to put that top bearing in
AMBER: Gotcha.
JESSE: So the top had enough support.
AMBER: I see. So if I were to start with that task today, like, if all I got done was that rectangle, I wouldn’t adhere it to the doorframe, I would save it and do that very last? Just to like underline and confirm.
JESSE: That’s true. You don’t really have to screw it firm into the doorway. You could just make sure it fits tight.
AMBER: OK. Cool.

40:16
AMBER: Um, I’m mostly just thinking how to start. I have everything pulled together and I have a table say all ready, which scares me but um, you know, I don’t know, it’s a daunting task for someone who hasn’t used any of this but I’m really excited and I’m excited to work with you. And also, um, I’m thinking back to your (ind) on your birthday and Davecat and I called you.
JESSE: Yes. We had a moment—
AMBER: What’s that?
JESSE: We had a little trouble hearing each other then. It’s just a matter of getting set up. But tomorrow should be a lot better on the set.
AMBER: Yea. Totally. So, what are you going to do this year on your birthday?
JESSE: What did I what on my birthday?
AMBER: What are you going to do this year?
JESSE: This year?
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: Oh, we went out to eat. We went out eat last weekend. And got a pizza and went to a place that we hadn’t been in a long time. I’d been there before and she’d been there before but neither one of us had been there together. So…
AMBER: Where? Where is that place?
JESSE: It’s a small bar, in a small town in my county that has the best pizza in the county and everybody, you see t-shirts around that say it’s the best pizza around and it is pretty much. I mean, it’s a good place to go.
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: I hadn’t been there in years. I used to do little bit of computer work for them when the previous owners had it.
AMBER: Cool.
JESSE: So yea there was the telephone wires and stuff like that still I could see that I rang years ago.
AMBER: Oh, see you’re so good at all the technical stuff and all the building stuff.

42:01
AMBER: We need, we need you over here as part of our team on the phone wire. You know what’s so funny is somehow the trouble that we ran into today was because everybody uses cellphones. So to use a ground line ended up being more challenging than we imagined.
JESSE: Yea?
AMBER: Yea? It was worse than yesterday. Anyway, I’m wondering how the birthday pizza compares to the pizza you had the weekend before?
JESSE: Oh. Oh that was not really comparable. I mean, the one we had in New York was at a historic place and it was a world famous, I mean anybody that comes to new york should go there.  It’s uh, not that the business has always been in that building, but the building itself is a historical building. It has a significance and the pizza, the owners that own that restaurant now are very good working and the pizza was great and uh, we had a great time when we were there so, yea the only thing I regret is not buying a t-shirt from the place before we left.
AMBER: Well, do you- you know what I realized is that –I meant to text you before hand and see if you ok talking about the fact that we saw each other briefly.
JESSE: Oh, that’s fine.
AMBER: Oh, yea? OK. Good, ‘cause I’m still thinking about it. Like, my mind is still a little bit blown by the fact that you were in New York and you came to where I work and you know, and we acknowledged each other but not in the way that we acknowledged that we knew each other in front of you know, the folks that you were with. So how was that for you? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to tell us, I don’t know, I would love for you to tell the story because I’m still thinking about it.

43:49
JESSE: OK. Um, well for people who know what this is about, I’m a doll owner. I have had a doll for—I don’t know, what’s it been, like, the first doll I had was in like 1992, I’ve always had (phone breaks up) in love with dolls…I’ve had a couple different wives before. One of them, that marriage didn’t last, and the second wife I had, she passed with cancer. And, the girl I’m with now I’ve known ever since we were in high school and so that was you know, 30 years ago. We’ve always thought about each other now through the years, we recently reconnected this year. I’ve been with her since February of this year and we realized that you know, we’ve what we both have and what we both want out of a relationship is the same.  (44:56) And so, I knew that I wanted to have her for the rest of my life if I could and she was thinking the same thing and we were going to go somewhere on my birthday and we decided not to go there and instead that we were going to go to New York because in a nutshell, my previous wife had had cancer and went to New York, which is two states over from where we live. The cancer specialist was in New York and they had a doctor there that was supposed to be the best at that kind of cancer and by the time we’d been through all these other treatments and everything and by the time we got to New York to see this specialist it was too late. So, when I went to New York a couple years ago it was for a different reason. I didn’t get to see what I wanted to see-
AMBER: Yea.

45:49
JESSE: And, my girlfriend now wanted her daughter to see New York before she got into her career and did whatever was her life, she wouldn’t able to – you know sometimes you can get trapped at the job or career or whatever, not have the freedom to do what they wanted to do before they got too busy--
AMBER: Yea
JESSE: So we decided my birthday—
AMBER: Is she, she’s young, right, Jesse? Your girlfriend’s daughter?
JESSE: For my birthday and for her daughter we’d go back to New York to see it and I could make some good memories to replace the bad ones that I had. And I decided there really cool (ind) I could see the carousel, the place where you work and maybe brought you (ind) close together and it worked out really well. But I tell you by that fifth day we were in New York, we were so tired of walking around that my fiancé and her girlfriend or her daughter were so tired that they just wanted to stay in the hotel room, and I said, ‘No, we really have to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.’ And they were really they said it was a lot of fun with me, you know there so many different people walking across it; they thought we were the only ones being stupid walking across the bridge.

47:16
JESSE: So everything worked out well. I’m glad I got to see you and I’m glad you were there.
AMBER: But Jesse, how was it for you to act like you didn’t know me?
JESSE: Um, it was kind of scary because for one, my girlfriend is the jealous type and if she saw anything that she questioned she would probably have like doubt. If she knew that we knew each other she would have asked, want to know exactly why or how we were so friendly if we talked so much and that’s why I just had to play it off. But, it was fine.
AMBER: Yea, you know some of what, well, first of all, congratulations on your engagement, and you know, happy birthday again. And I think that it’s awesome to have been a small part of that day and you know to also be a part of your birthday two years in a row. So what I’m still thinking about in addition to all the warmth that I feel for having been a part is um the fact that you were, her daughter filmed the engagement right? I’m understanding that correctly that she was holding the Go Pro?

48:20
JESSE: Yes.
AMBER: And she was filming you proposing—
JESSE: She had no idea.
AMBER: Oh, she had no idea either?
JESSE: Nobody did.
AMBER: Wow, so when you handed off the Go Pro was it just ot like, what did you say to her?
JESSE: I said why don’t you hold this camera, and I'll get my iPhone out, and my girlfriend had her iPhone out pointing toward her daughter and getting a shot of the horses and stuff—
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: And her daughter said to me, she says, “Oh, I don’t know what to do with this. What do you want me to do?’ and I said, ‘Well just point it around, you know.’ And then I said, ‘No, point it over here at us. Come a little bit further.’ And I was afraid she was going to lose interest so I pulled out the ring behind my girlfriend’s back.

49:08
AMBER: Oh my god.
JESSE And I held it up and her daughter’s mouth dropped, her eyes got real big and my girlfriend was still videoing her daughter and she did the same thing with her face but she didn’t know why.
AMBER: Oh my god. You know what, what was so interesting for me, Jesse, was ‘cause you know I work at the carousel so I’m there a couple times a week and I watch people get engaged all the time and I watch people, you know do there wedding photographs and bring their babies for their baby’s first ride. It’s such a magical place, but um, to watch you, someone that I know in this intimate way, but also with this distance. Like we’ve hung out in person, like what, four or five times?
JESSE: Yea.
AMBER: But that’s it. We’ve corresponded a lot digitally. So it’s kind of surreal just to see you in my non-doll life, like at my work, but also to see this intimate act and then to watch your now fiancé’s daughter recording you. You know, I guess the other thing about it is that because the carousel ride is like what 3 and a half minutes, two and a half minutes—
JESSE:  Yea.
AMBER: Um, you know I can see you in the rotation only every 30 seconds or so, so it was like piecing together this, um, amazing moment but in slices. So right, I would watch you go by, and I’m still thinking about it and still struck by it when you took the camera and pointed it at me, and I felt at the first time in our collaboration surveilled by you.

50:49
JESSE: Yea.
AMBER: Yea. Yea, it took me a minute but I was like, oh, this is Jesse’s video and I’m in Jesse’s video whereas I’m often making a video and asking you to be a part of it.
JESSE: Well, I wanted to remember that you were there, and what all happened. You know maybe some day—if it comes down to it, if I get put on the spot, if she finds evidence or sees the doll and I have to come out about it, I might have to tell her that you were there and say this girl right there, and I might point you out, and say that I’ve known you for a long time but I couldn’t really say it because—I mean, not really a long time but you know—
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: But I couldn’t say anything because the only thing we really have in common is well, your performance and me being a part of it and the doll life but that's the only thing that’s really tying all this, it’s making sense that anybody that’s watching this, the doll closet and everything, doll’s have been a part of my life, but I’m not exclusive to dolls. I mean, I, I do have relationships but my dolls also they were another part of me that I can’t find in a real relationship. (52:14) So, uh, in the place where I live I really doubt anybody would understand it, so it’s important to have a doll hidden behind the secret (ind)
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: And maybe through this performance people will understand why and how and understand doll owners a little better too.
AMBER: Yea. That’s my goal. I want to back up just a little bit though and assert that I think we have a lot more in common than just dolls and the performance.
JESSE: Yea?
AMBER: Well mostly because coming to your house a couple weeks ago, I felt really-- and I haven’t told you all this--but I felt so struck by the similarities in the, you know, small town-ness as far as where I grew up in Iowa and also just like I think we share a really similar class background and I think um—
JESSE: Really?
AMBER: Oh my god, yes, both of our fathers were mail man, letter carriers, and there’s the you know, generation before that, farm lives, and really there’s even just objects, like that paint that you have in the room of the house that you know, is yours, you’re saying that you didn't’ pick that pink.  But that pink is the same that I grew up with in my childhood bedroom including that cross. So, like, including that Lutheran cross that was in that pink room.

53:42
JESSE: Can you hear me?
AMBER: I can hear you. Could you not hear me for a minute?
JESSE: I lost reception for a minute.
AMBER: Oh, well I was just going on and on and on about the similarities in your house and some of the houses I grew up in Iowa.
JESSE: Ok.
AMBER: And I was talking about the pink room being the same color pink as my childhood bedroom. And—
JESSE: Really?
AMBER: Oh my gosh, yes. And that Lutheran cross. That silver cross with the wood background. That’s the same exact cross that I was given at you know whatever point in Sunday school. And then, also that Schwinn bike that you had hanging in your garage is the same that was my mother’s in Iowa. So it feels like, I think it was just like the small town Midwesterner and the shared class background that feels similar to me. But you know, I acknowledge that I live in New York City right now and our lives are pretty different other than the doll connection but I also think there’s some more, I don’t know, maybe some core childhood value in us or background that brings us together too. (55:01)
JESSE: Yea, I think so. That’s cool.
AMBER: Yea, I don’t know also I’m just, Ren was teasing me that I’m always talking about how I appreciate the way you talk and also how tall you are. You just kind of seem like men in my family. I’ll leave it at that because now I’m just going on and on and probably creeping you out a little bit.
JESSE: Nope. Nope. I’m all right.
AMBER: Ok good.
JESSE: You know, when I first saw you in LA I think, I don’t know for some reason I gravitated towards you (ind- phone breaks up)
AMBER: Wait, say that part again.

55:49
JESSE: When I met you in LA, when we were at Synthetics studio seem like my (ind)…
AMBER: You said you gravitated towards me? I lost you for a minute but I think what you said is that when we met in LA at synthetics you gravitated toward me.
JESSE: Uh, I can’t hear you.
AMBER: Shoot! How’s that?
JESSE: Yea, hold right there.
AMBER: OK. I’m holding right here. So, I was repeating what I thought you said which is that when we met in LA at Synthetics that you gravitated toward me. Is that, did I hear you correctly?

56:50
AMBER: Oh, Jesse?
JESSE: You said what?
AMBER: Oh you think it’s this wire?
JESSE: No, I can hear you. It seems like a certain way you hold that phone. 
AMBER: Huh. Well, if right now is working I’m not going to move the phone.
JESSE: No, it isn’t.
AMBER: OK.
JESSE: If I sit right, right by it I can hear you. Can you hear me?
AMBER: I can hear you perfectly.
JESSE: Ok, now I can hear you.
AMBER: Awesome. All right, well you were just saying—

57:33
JESSE: I was just saying about—
AMBER: Go ahead.
JESSE: LA when I met you in LA at Synthetics studio I seemed to want to gravitate toward you and hang out with you more than anyone else.
AMBER: Yes! That’s how I feel. That’s how it is at the doll meets. Because, not only are you awesome, but you have the most beautiful doll, Rhiannon.
JESSE: I’m a what?
AMBER: I said, not only are you awesome, but you have the most beautiful doll. Rhiannon is just so gorgeous.
JESSE (laughs) That part killed me.
AMBER: How’s Rhiannon?
JESSE: Rhiannon?
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: I haven’t, I haven’t looked at her since you were here.
AMBER: But that door that you built for the instructional video that we broadcast at 11 will be the door for her new closet? Is that right?

58:31
JESSE: The doll [sic] that I built for the instructional video, I’m not really sure if I’m going to use it.
AMBER: Oh really?
JESSE: Yea, at least it was built within my new specs for where I’m going to put it in case I do, so…
AMBER: But now will your old door still fit it, because that’s the door I have here at Watermill.
JESSE: No, the old original door right in back of you, probably modify it to fit it out there.
AMBER: OK, ‘cause you’re not going to put it back inside the original doll closet, right?
JESSE: I doubt it because it will probably raise more questions than anything.
AMBER: Yea. Because Jessica, what would happen—
JESSE: Feel pretty bad about it
AMBER: What would happen if it did raise more questions? You just don’t feel interested in talking to your fiancé about it?
JESSE: I think, I can’t hear you again.
AMBER: OK. How are you on time, Jesse. It’s one o’clock. Are you good for getting to work?
JESSE: Can you still hear me still?
AMBER: Yea, I can still hear you. That’s ok.
JESSE: OK.
AMBER: I just wanted to do a quick time check if we’re starting to break up again. Are you OK with getting to work? It’s one o’clock.
JESSE: Yes. I’ve already missed an hour, so I can probably give another 20 minutes.
AMBER: Oh, ok, great. Well, I was just starting to ask, like what would happen like, I don’t know, if there were questions that arose, like from your fiancé. Is there something in particular that makes you feel hesitant from sharing with her that you have Rhiannon and that you used to have Heather and that we’ve performed together for example?

1:00:16
JESSE: Well, one because she might not like, like most people around this community and she’s heard about what’s right and what’s wrong and we’ve talked about (ind) that some people in our community look down on and she’s kind of that way. You know, she finds it hard to understand or hard to tolerate other people.
AMBER: Like what people?
JESSE: Um, my nephew is gay and she makes fun of him and kind of my sister, if she were a good parent her son wouldn’t be gay and things like that. I don’t really believe that but,  I mean, on the other hand, my sister did do some things that were not—she wasn’t in my nephew’s life for a long time. So, that sucked. I mean, she just seems to be like a lot of people in this area, so I don’t think she’d really feel too good about somebody having a doll.
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: But, I did take the movie, Lars and the Real Girl to her house one time and we watched it. She kind of, she kind of made some funny comments but at the end of the movie she said had the (ind) for some male dolls or something like that.
AMBER: Oh, haha!

1:02:12
AMBER: Well, there you go. Maybe that’s the way in.
JESSE: She’s very, I don’t think she would explore something like that.
AMBER: And what is it in particular about the dolls that you think she would feel resistant to? What would she imagine you were doing with the dolls that she would feel frustrated by?
JESSE: Well, for one, not that it’s any body’s business but my girlfriend and I are different with each other and I don’t really feel the need to do anything with Rhiannon. You know when I bought Rhe, I was kind of resigned to the fact that it was going to take me a long time to find a relationship because it’s hard to find somebody um, and then this girl came along that I’ve known for a long time and she is a lot of the things, almost everything that I was looking for. (1:03:25) But if she found out that I had Rhiannon, I would tell her my fiancé is number one, and Rhiannon is not that (ind). And you know, the other part of me that I can’t really express. And I’m sure she would be saying, or she would throw it in my face in the times when we weren’t getting along about you know, why don’t you go have sex with the doll. And you know, I don’t really have time to take Rhiannon out and do that sort of thing in the first place. So, right now at this point in my life I have a fiance and I have a relationship, and I have a lot going on with my life, Rhiannon’s staying put up inside except when I get her out and do a photo shoot which was great, when we were in Pennsylvania.
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: I had a couple chances to do some really cool photo shoots. So, the thing that most people don’t understand and I really don't think my fiancé would understand is Rhiannon is to me something to project the lingerie and the clothes and the stuff I would like to see which I don’t think my girlfriend would really relate to because she’s more of a, I mean she’s explored the country, but she’s not really the type of girl that would dress up in all the stuff I’d like to see.
AMBER: Right.
JESSE: So that’s what I use Rhiannon for is more of a means to project this, you know, fantasy on to and take pictures of and um, that I don’t know if she’d understand or not, or if she’d even believe that that’s what I was doing with her.
AMBER: Yea.

1:05:17
AMBER: I think from what you’ve said it sounds like it’s more the lack of belief that it would be non sexual. Not to say that it is non-sexual, but that it would be sexual in a different way than she expects, right?
JESSE: Right. And I don’t want any argument to happen or anything thrown up in my face years and years from now, so it’s best just to keep that part of my life hidden.
AMBER: Yea. Yea, so then what does it mean to you to meet up with the other doll owners the couple of times that we do. I don’t know, it’s a really special time for me, so I’m wondering how it is for you to do the meet ups?

1:06:00
JESSE: Well, it’s a freedom. It’s the chance to do what you want to do when normally you can’t just do it freely. With the meet that we have there’s like three or four days at a time when we can do whatever we want and have photo shoots and see each other’s dolls and you know, different types of different materials, different clothing from what one might have.
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: It’s just fun.
AMBER: Yea. Well, and I enjoyed this year putting, putting Rhiannon in the wedding dress.
JESSE: Yea?
AMBER: Yea. She looked so stunning.
JESSE: I’ve seen some of those, but I haven’t (ind) that shoot we did with Brandon, uh, and anther one that I did when I got home before I put her back in her storage place.
AMBER: Yea. How was that for you? That was your wife’s wedding dress, right? The wife who unfortunately passed away?
JESSE: Yea. It was a way of kind of like, I mean it was, I hadn’t looked at that dress, for well, since our wedding. And since the way she, she slipped away from me not only in her death, but also in I don’t know if you need this amount of detail, but we were actually separated for a couple years, well, right after she found out she had cancer she wanted to live off on her own and—
AMBER: Yea.
JESSE: Try to beat cancer without the stress in her life, but I was pretty much a lot of stress for her, because we weren’t getting along, and when we did come back together as best friends, I helped her through a lot of the travelling arrangements for the cancer, and you know just being with her, being there for her more than anybody else was. (1:08:08) It brought us closer together. And, when I moved all her clothes and belongings from where she was, she had an apartment. I moved it back home, as a way, as way of bringing everything back here because I thought that she never really should have left me. So, I got (ind) go through all her stuff and give it to Goodwill and whatever. So, in the process of doing that, I hung that wedding dress off to the side and I really wanted to look at it. It was kind of sacred. But that was one last piece of her clothing that I had to get rid of, so it was good bringing it along. Not really defiling it or anything dirty, but using it for a purpose so I could create a different memory and let go of any hurt from the past relationship. (1:09:03) So that’s what that was for.
AMBER: I felt really struck when you proposed to your now fiancé at the carousel in front of me that we had just done that you know, wedding dress shoot with Rhiannon a few weeks prior. So the timing felt really intentional. I hadn’t realized until your email, which was just a few days before the carousel engagement that you were going to propose, so um, I don’t know, I felt really struck by the timing of that. Like the wedding dress shoot was somehow the end of a chapter or the marking of a chapter would be more accurate.

JESSE: I was interrupted, I’m sorry.
AMBER: OK. I was just saying that I felt really struck by the proximity, by the timing of the wedding dress shoot and then you proposing to your fiancé.
JESSE: Can you hear me?
AMBER: Yea, I can hear you.
JESSE: I’m sorry.
AMBER: That’s ok.
JESSE: I couldn’t hear you for a bit.
AMBER: How about right now? I guess not. How about now Jesse?
JESSE: There.
AMBER: There?
JESSE: Um, yea.
AMBER: Ok, well I was just saying that I felt really struck by the proximity by the timing right, we had done the wedding dress shoot maybe just a few weeks before you proposed to your now fiancé.
JESSE: Right.
AMBER: So it felt um, surprising to me.
JESSE: It was-
AMBER: Yea, go ahead.
JESSE: I was just saying it was a way for me to move forward how I felt. Like now I can propose marriage because I’ve gotten all the other memories behind me and that was another reason to go to New York, was making good new memories out of the bad ones.
AMBER: Yea. That’s really powerful.

1:11:04
AMBER: I feel really touched to have been a part. I want to talk to you more about that, but I have an eye on time and I want to respect the fact that you have to head to work and that we’re going to talk everyday so um, maybe we should stop here, and pick up tomorrow at noon when hopefully we’ll have the ground line in and no technical issue leading up to our chat. How does that sound?
JESSE: Yea, that sounds good.
AMBER: OK. Well, thank you so much. And I hope that you celebrate your birthday in a way on today, on the day itself.
JESSE: Huh. Yea. I’m sure it will be a good day.
AMBER: Yea?
JESSE: Even though I got a speeding ticket this morning and everything it will be a good day.
AMBER: Wait, what? You got a speeding ticket? You got a speeding ticket coming back from your fiancé’s house?
JESSE: I’m sorry I got to tell you about all the speeding tickets sometime. So I don’t get speeding ticket on the way to work I’ve got to go.
AMBER: All right, well that's a good place to end then. Thank you so much, Jesse. You have a good day. Happy birthday, again.
JESSE: All right, thank you.
AMBER: All right, bye.
JESSE: I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
AMBER: All right.
1:12:37